Foster children not getting on with each other?
It is perfectly normal for children and young people to need time to adjust to new family dynamics. Perhaps one child has been with you for longer and is finding it hard to welcome a new sibling, or maybe changing needs and teenage years are creating a bit of tension. Whatever the situation, you are not alone. Many foster families experience the same challenges.
The good news is that with the right support, things can get better. Join us to find out why foster siblings might sometimes clash and discover what you can do to support them in building a healthier and happier relationship.
Why foster children may not get along
Whether you foster a sibling group or children from different families, there might be times when they just don’t get along. It’s completely normal for siblings to fall out from time to time, but if it becomes more frequent than not, you may need to make some changes to help them resolve their issues.
Before we explore some strategies to help you improve the relationship between your foster children, it’s important to understand why they may not get along.
Trauma’s impact on relationships
Children in care are often living with trauma. This can make it difficult for them to regulate their emotions, trust others, and build healthy attachments, which can impact foster sibling relationships. Let’s take a look at these in more detail.
Managing emotions
If one or both of your foster children struggle to manage their emotions, they could trigger each other without meaning to, making it difficult for them to get along.
For example, say one of your foster children touches the other’s belongings. That child may feel uneasy due to a painful experience, like having their belongings destroyed or thrown away. Instead of voicing this, because they don’t know how, they may seemingly overact, impacting their relationship with their foster sibling.
Trusting new people
Children who’ve experienced abuse or neglect have often been let down by those they trusted the most. When they enter care, this can make it difficult for them to trust new people, especially if they end up moving foster homes multiple times.
As a result, they may initially struggle to get along with their new sibling until they’ve built up that trust with them, which can take time.
Forming attachments
Our early attachments become the blueprint for relationships, now and in the future.
When children receive consistent, nurturing care, they form a secure attachment. Secure attachments help children feel safe and loved because they know someone is always there for them, and positive relationships exist.
However, many children in care have never experienced a secure attachment with their caregivers. As a result, they may develop an insecure attachment style, which can influence the way they connect with others, including their foster siblings.
For example, they may avoid connection, keep their real feelings hidden, and prefer their own company. In other cases, an acute fear of rejection may lead them to appear clingy and overstep other people’s boundaries.
Trauma amplifies day-to-day stresses
The three elements of trauma mentioned above are just a snapshot of the struggles foster children could have with their siblings, which can also be amplified by day-to-day issues, such as:
- Competition: Whether they realise it or not, foster siblings may compete for your time and attention. If they’re close in age, they may also become a little competitive about their grades, friendship groups, and things like sports. Some competition can be healthy, but if it’s constant, it could have a significant impact on their relationship.
- Stress: If either of your foster children is under stress, this can influence their behaviour. They may have mood swings, isolate themselves, or rely on unhealthy behaviours to deal with the stress, which could affect their relationship with their sibling.
- Different backgrounds: If you foster children from distinct backgrounds, there may be cultural or religious differences. They may not share the same values and be used to very different routines.
- Needs: One of your foster children may have more urgent needs than the other. For example, if one of them is experiencing bullying, you may need to focus more of your energy on them while you address the issue. During this time, your other foster child could resent their sibling.
- Grief: If one of your foster children has siblings that they’re unable to live with, living with a child from another foster family could feel unfair. This could cause friction between foster siblings.
5 tips to support foster sibling relationships
Now that you understand the challenges foster siblings can face, you can begin taking steps to support their relationship.
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Recognise why they aren’t getting along
If you’ve noticed tensions between your foster children growing, the first step is to understand why they aren’t getting along. You can do this by:
- Talking to your foster children: Ask open questions like, ‘How have you been feeling around your foster sibling lately?’ This invites them to share their perspective.
- Using the ABC Model: If one of your foster children seems triggered by particular situations, affecting their relationship with their sibling, you can use the ABC model. This can help you understand what’s going on for that child and then make reasonable adjustments to help them.
- Addressing issues: If your foster children struggle to open up about their feelings, their behaviour could indicate a rising issue. For example, if they usually love school but start refusing to go, could they be experiencing bullying or something else that needs your attention? Personal problems can impact sibling relationships.
- Paying attention: Is one sibling picking on the other? Are they arguing over the same thing? Sometimes, just taking a step back and reflecting on your foster sibling’s relationship can help you see things more clearly.
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Nurture the bond between foster siblings
Sometimes children and young people may need a little help to build a relationship with their foster siblings. The key thing to remember is that this doesn’t mean forcing a connection; it’s about providing opportunities for them to form a natural bond. Here are a few ways you can nurture their relationships:
- Learning about each other: If your foster children have only just started living together, you could invite them to share something about themselves over dinner, such as their favourite film, TV show, or hobbies and interests.
- Family fun: If the stresses of daily life are impacting their relationship, days out or evenings spent watching films, cooking together, or playing board games give them a chance to spend time together when they’re both more relaxed and create shared memories.
- Team building: Encourage your foster children to work as a team by asking them to cook dinner together or plan your next trip. This also provides an opportunity for them to learn more about each other while they complete the task.
- Consistency: Make sure boundaries and house rules are the same for all children, even if you’re providing interim or emergency foster care for one child and the other lives with you long-term. This can prevent foster children from feeling like another child is receiving preferential treatment, which can harm their relationship.
- Empathy: If one of your foster children has more acute needs than the other, helping their foster sibling empathise with their situation could prevent them from falling out or feeling resentful.
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Spend quality time with each child
If you foster more than one child, it’s important to spend quality time with each of them so they feel valued, loved, and secure. It could also prevent them from feeling jealous of their foster sibling because they know you still have time for them.
The simplest way to do this is by making it part of your routine. If you foster young children, you could read with each of them individually before they go to bed. If one of the children is older, you could watch a TV show you both love together once the younger child has settled for the night.
You could also plan a monthly foster carer and child day where you ask them to pick an activity for you to do together. This could be particularly helpful if one of the children in your care needs a little bit more of your day-to-day time at the moment.
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Mediate disagreements
When disagreements happen, your response can make all the difference. You can help them by:
- Not taking sides: Even if you think one foster child is being unreasonable, remain calm and neutral.
- Separating them: If things are getting a little heated, separating your foster children could help them calm down before they say or do something they’ll later regret.
- Listening: Speak to each of your foster children separately to understand what’s happened, how they’re feeling, and to find a resolution.
- Acknowledging their feelings: Use neutral language, such as ‘I can see you’re upset’, which validates their feelings.
- Teaching respectful communication: When things are calmer, you can teach them how to communicate respectfully by offering them both a chance to share their feelings.
- Role modelling: Children can learn a lot about conflict resolution from the way you manage disagreements.
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Celebrate their relationship
Relationships can be hard, especially when you’re living with trauma. So, if your foster children have handled a disagreement well, praise them – a little bit of acknowledgement and encouragement can go a long way.
You could also celebrate their relationship by creating a photo book of memories they’ve shared. And if you’re long-term fostering, you could dedicate a day to their relationship each year.
When children move into care, they have to leave everything behind, but when you celebrate your foster children’s bond, it could help take the focus away from what they’ve lost and onto what they’ve gained.
Remember: We’re here to help
Fostering is a team effort. That’s why at FCA Scotland, you’re never alone on your fostering journey.
Our Team parenting model gives you access to our network of fostering professionals, such as therapists, education leads and social workers who can help you support your foster child’s entire well-being, including relationships with their foster siblings.
We also provide extensive training, foster carer support groups, and year-round events and activities for the whole family to enjoy.
Ready to join FCA Scotland?
If you live in Scotland, are over 21 years old, have a spare bedroom, the legal right to live and work in the UK, and the desire to truly make a difference in the lives of children and young people, we’d love to hear from you.
Call us on 0141 646 4805 or submit an online enquiry form, and a member of our knowledgeable team will be in touch.
