When Your Young Person Struggles to Sleep—Tips for Bedtime

Most of us know that getting enough sleep is beneficial to our well-being. From increasing our energy levels and improving our mood to helping us regulate our emotions and stay motivated, a good night’s sleep can make our days feel more manageable.

For teenagers, who are experiencing brain and hormonal changes, revising for exams, navigating relationships, and planning for their future, sleep is even more important.

The trouble is that for young people in care, falling asleep and staying asleep can feel difficult. Why? Childhood trauma and sleep issues are connected. Whether it’s anxiety about being alone in the dark, racing thoughts, or nightmares, adverse childhood experiences can disrupt sleep.

In this article, we explore the link between trauma and sleep issues in more detail. We also provide tips to help your young person build a bedtime routine that promotes sleep and leaves them feeling refreshed in the morning.

sleep problems

Childhood trauma and sleep problems

Every teenager can have trouble sleeping, but young people in care are more likely to experience sleep problems due to their trauma, and here’s why:

  • Missing their family: Regardless of why a young person is in foster care, they may miss their family. During the day, they might find it easier to distract themselves from feelings of loss and grief when they’re at school or engaged in activities. But when night comes, and they’re alone in their room, thoughts of their family could prevent them from falling asleep.
  • Living with a new family: If your young person has only just moved in, they may struggle to sleep as they try to settle into their new home and make sense of their circumstances.
  • Hypervigilance: If your young person has experienced abuse, their nervous system may have adapted to keep them safe. As a result, their senses can become heightened, allowing them to quickly scan their environment for potential threats. This hypervigilance means that when they’re trying to fall asleep, they may be easily disturbed by creaking floorboards, footsteps, or voices coming from downstairs.
  • Nightmares: They may have nightmares as they try to process their experiences; this can mean they wake in the night or are afraid to fall asleep.
  • Stress: Moving into care and being chronically stressed in their previous home may have elevated their cortisol levels, making it difficult to produce melatonin to sleep.

5 Tips for building a good bedtime routine

Good bedtime routines can make all the difference to the way we sleep. Whether you provide long-term, interim, or emergency foster care, here is how to build a trauma-informed bedtime routine that helps your young person wind down and get some decent shuteye.

Adjust their sleep environment

Make sure your teenager’s bedroom is a comfortable space where they can relax and unwind after a long day at school. Ask your teenager to get involved in making a few tweaks to their room so they feel like they have some control over their environment. Here are some examples of small changes that could make a huge difference to their quality of sleep:

  • Decoration: Let them choose the colour of their room, the way it’s laid out, and accessories that bring them comfort.
  • Temperature: The optimum room temperature for sleep is around 16 and 18°C, but your young person may prefer a slightly cooler or warmer environment.
  • Night lights: If they’re nervous about switching the light off and being alone in the dark, you could help them choose a night light that fits the aesthetic of their room.
  • Sound machines: If hypervigilance is keeping them awake, sound machines can help drown out background noise and are a great alternative to earplugs if your teen doesn’t like wearing them.
  • Decluttering: If they’ve accumulated quite a few belongings, do they need more storage? Clutter can increase stress levels, which can prevent a good night’s sleep.

Stick to the same bedtime

Agree on a suitable bedtime for your foster child and try to stick to it every night. You could also help them modify their evening habits, optimising them for a good night’s sleep.

For instance, if their bedtime is at 9.30 pm, get them in the routine of beginning to prepare for sleep an hour before. This could include putting screens away, a warm bath, brushing their teeth, reading a book or doing another wind-down activity before they turn the light off to sleep.

Emotional regulation before bedtime

If your teenager lies awake at night reliving the past day or painful memories, nurturing their emotional needs before bedtime could prevent racing thoughts.

Whether it’s over dinner, on a walk around the block or while you’re watching a TV show you love together, make it a routine to check in with them on a daily basis.

You could also encourage them to do a calming activity that helps regulate their nervous system, such as journaling, drawing, or listening to music. They can then go to bed feeling calmer and more in harmony with themselves, helping them switch off and sleep well.

Be mindful of mealtimes

Digestive issues, hunger pains, and feeling wired can all prevent healthy sleeping habits. So be mindful of mealtimes, making sure your teenager eats two to four hours before bed so their body has plenty of time to digest food.

It’s also a good idea to encourage them to avoid anything that contains caffeine close to bedtime, such as chocolate, cola, and energy drinks. Not only is caffeine a stimulant, but it can also make their mind race and leave them feeling on edge, which won’t aid a good night’s sleep.

If they do get hungry between dinner and bedtime, suggest a small healthy snack that contains vitamins and minerals, such as magnesium, which aid sleep.

Reassure them before bedtime

Before you head to bed, reassure your teenager that if they have a nightmare, struggle to get to sleep, or want to talk about something on their mind, all they have to do is knock on your door.

We know that, as a foster carer, you need a good night’s sleep too, but for teenagers living with trauma, they need to feel confident that you’ll be there for them no matter the hour.

So, if they do wake you up in the middle of the night, show them patience and understanding, so they can go back to bed feeling safe, supported and heard when they’re at their most vulnerable.

Supporting children living with trauma

At FCA Scotland, our support for children in foster care is holistic, caring for their entire well-being. This includes therapeutic interventions, such as joint therapy sessions, consultations, training, and more. These help both you, as a foster carer, and us as a community, understand each child’s unique experiences so we can provide tailored support.

We also organise support groups in your local area, helping you connect with other foster carers. They may be able to offer more suggestions on how to help your teenager sleep based on their lived experiences.

And if things become particularly difficult during the night, you can always call us on our 24/7 helpline. We’re here for you, no matter the situation, no matter the hour.

good bedtime routine

Ready to change children’s lives?

If you’d like to make a real difference in the lives of children and young people, call us on 0141 646 4805 to learn more about becoming a foster carer. You can also submit an online enquiry form, and a member of our dedicated team will call you.

What to Do if Your Foster Children Aren’t Getting Along

Foster children not getting on with each other?

It is perfectly normal for children and young people to need time to adjust to new family dynamics. Perhaps one child has been with you for longer and is finding it hard to welcome a new sibling, or maybe changing needs and teenage years are creating a bit of tension. Whatever the situation, you are not alone. Many foster families experience the same challenges.

The good news is that with the right support, things can get better. Join us to find out why foster siblings might sometimes clash and discover what you can do to support them in building a healthier and happier relationship.

Foster Children Aren't Getting Along

Why foster children may not get along

Whether you foster a sibling group or children from different families, there might be times when they just don’t get along. It’s completely normal for siblings to fall out from time to time, but if it becomes more frequent than not, you may need to make some changes to help them resolve their issues.

Before we explore some strategies to help you improve the relationship between your foster children, it’s important to understand why they may not get along.

Trauma’s impact on relationships

Children in care are often living with trauma. This can make it difficult for them to regulate their emotions, trust others, and build healthy attachments, which can impact foster sibling relationships. Let’s take a look at these in more detail.

Managing emotions

If one or both of your foster children struggle to manage their emotions, they could trigger each other without meaning to, making it difficult for them to get along.

For example, say one of your foster children touches the other’s belongings. That child may feel uneasy due to a painful experience, like having their belongings destroyed or thrown away.  Instead of voicing this, because they don’t know how, they may seemingly overact, impacting their relationship with their foster sibling.

 

Trusting new people

Children who’ve experienced abuse or neglect have often been let down by those they trusted the most. When they enter care, this can make it difficult for them to trust new people, especially if they end up moving foster homes multiple times.

As a result, they may initially struggle to get along with their new sibling until they’ve built up that trust with them, which can take time.

Forming attachments

Our early attachments become the blueprint for relationships, now and in the future.

When children receive consistent, nurturing care, they form a secure attachment. Secure attachments help children feel safe and loved because they know someone is always there for them, and positive relationships exist.

However, many children in care have never experienced a secure attachment with their caregivers. As a result, they may develop an insecure attachment style, which can influence the way they connect with others, including their foster siblings.

For example, they may avoid connection, keep their real feelings hidden, and prefer their own company. In other cases, an acute fear of rejection may lead them to appear clingy and overstep other people’s boundaries.

Trauma amplifies day-to-day stresses

The three elements of trauma mentioned above are just a snapshot of the struggles foster children could have with their siblings, which can also be amplified by day-to-day issues, such as:

  • Competition: Whether they realise it or not, foster siblings may compete for your time and attention. If they’re close in age, they may also become a little competitive about their grades, friendship groups, and things like sports. Some competition can be healthy, but if it’s constant, it could have a significant impact on their relationship.
  • Stress: If either of your foster children is under stress, this can influence their behaviour. They may have mood swings, isolate themselves, or rely on unhealthy behaviours to deal with the stress, which could affect their relationship with their sibling.
  • Different backgrounds: If you foster children from distinct backgrounds, there may be cultural or religious differences. They may not share the same values and be used to very different routines.
  • Needs: One of your foster children may have more urgent needs than the other. For example, if one of them is experiencing bullying, you may need to focus more of your energy on them while you address the issue. During this time, your other foster child could resent their sibling.
  • Grief: If one of your foster children has siblings that they’re unable to live with, living with a child from another foster family could feel unfair. This could cause friction between foster siblings.

5 tips to support foster sibling relationships

Now that you understand the challenges foster siblings can face, you can begin taking steps to support their relationship.

  1. Recognise why they aren’t getting along

    If you’ve noticed tensions between your foster children growing, the first step is to understand why they aren’t getting along. You can do this by:

    • Talking to your foster children: Ask open questions like, ‘How have you been feeling around your foster sibling lately?’ This invites them to share their perspective.
    • Using the ABC Model: If one of your foster children seems triggered by particular situations, affecting their relationship with their sibling, you can use the ABC model. This can help you understand what’s going on for that child and then make reasonable adjustments to help them.
    • Addressing issues: If your foster children struggle to open up about their feelings, their behaviour could indicate a rising issue. For example, if they usually love school but start refusing to go, could they be experiencing bullying or something else that needs your attention? Personal problems can impact sibling relationships.
    • Paying attention: Is one sibling picking on the other? Are they arguing over the same thing? Sometimes, just taking a step back and reflecting on your foster sibling’s relationship can help you see things more clearly.

  2. Nurture the bond between foster siblings

    Sometimes children and young people may need a little help to build a relationship with their foster siblings. The key thing to remember is that this doesn’t mean forcing a connection; it’s about providing opportunities for them to form a natural bond. Here are a few ways you can nurture their relationships:

    • Learning about each other: If your foster children have only just started living together, you could invite them to share something about themselves over dinner, such as their favourite film, TV show, or hobbies and interests.
    • Family fun: If the stresses of daily life are impacting their relationship, days out or evenings spent watching films, cooking together, or playing board games give them a chance to spend time together when they’re both more relaxed and create shared memories.
    • Team building: Encourage your foster children to work as a team by asking them to cook dinner together or plan your next trip. This also provides an opportunity for them to learn more about each other while they complete the task.
    • Consistency: Make sure boundaries and house rules are the same for all children, even if you’re providing interim or emergency foster care for one child and the other lives with you long-term. This can prevent foster children from feeling like another child is receiving preferential treatment, which can harm their relationship.
    • Empathy: If one of your foster children has more acute needs than the other, helping their foster sibling empathise with their situation could prevent them from falling out or feeling resentful.

  3. Spend quality time with each child

    If you foster more than one child, it’s important to spend quality time with each of them so they feel valued, loved, and secure. It could also prevent them from feeling jealous of their foster sibling because they know you still have time for them.

    The simplest way to do this is by making it part of your routine. If you foster young children, you could read with each of them individually before they go to bed. If one of the children is older, you could watch a TV show you both love together once the younger child has settled for the night.

    You could also plan a monthly foster carer and child day where you ask them to pick an activity for you to do together. This could be particularly helpful if one of the children in your care needs a little bit more of your day-to-day time at the moment.

  4. Mediate disagreements

    When disagreements happen, your response can make all the difference. You can help them by:

    • Not taking sides: Even if you think one foster child is being unreasonable, remain calm and neutral.
    • Separating them: If things are getting a little heated, separating your foster children could help them calm down before they say or do something they’ll later regret.
    • Listening: Speak to each of your foster children separately to understand what’s happened, how they’re feeling, and to find a resolution.
    • Acknowledging their feelings: Use neutral language, such as ‘I can see you’re upset’, which validates their feelings.
    • Teaching respectful communication: When things are calmer, you can teach them how to communicate respectfully by offering them both a chance to share their feelings.
    • Role modelling: Children can learn a lot about conflict resolution from the way you manage disagreements.

  5. Celebrate their relationship

    Relationships can be hard, especially when you’re living with trauma. So, if your foster children have handled a disagreement well, praise them – a little bit of acknowledgement and encouragement can go a long way.

    You could also celebrate their relationship by creating a photo book of memories they’ve shared. And if you’re long-term fostering, you could dedicate a day to their relationship each year.

    When children move into care, they have to leave everything behind, but when you celebrate your foster children’s bond, it could help take the focus away from what they’ve lost and onto what they’ve gained.

Remember: We’re here to help

Fostering is a team effort. That’s why at FCA Scotland, you’re never alone on your fostering journey.

Our Team parenting model gives you access to our network of fostering professionals, such as therapists, education leads and social workers who can help you support your foster child’s entire well-being, including relationships with their foster siblings.

We also provide extensive training, foster carer support groups, and year-round events and activities for the whole family to enjoy.

Ready to join FCA Scotland?

If you live in Scotland, are over 21 years old, have a spare bedroom, the legal right to live and work in the UK, and the desire to truly make a difference in the lives of children and young people, we’d love to hear from you.

Call us on 0141 646 4805 or submit an online enquiry form, and a member of our knowledgeable team will be in touch.

foster child feel about the move

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